Most of my best stories begin with "I was sooooo drunk last night..." and this one will be no different.
Picture it - Karaoke Night at Players in Mamaroneck. 3 Drunks - a room full of cops and a lonely fish awaiting it's demise later that evening....
It all starts at Arizona Flatz - a cool little bar that was a BIG step up from the other local dive. I used to escape from one bar to go "hoe-ing" at the neighborhood watering hole. I would round up a few of the local barflys and pile them into my car for a quick swerve down the road for a quart of Cosmos and shots of Blackhaus.... mmmm. Blackhaus!
This night, in particular, I was looking to escape and headed to Players for Karaoke with some guy (cant remember his name) that sang country songs (IN NY WHICH IS REALLY FUNNY).... I think it was Dave but its all a blur...
We got to drinking when Bernie and Adam show up. We are whooping it up and some TOOL named Brian started a fight with some 9 foot gorilla names Dennis. This guy could swat me like a fly. Brian pulls the guy's jacket hood and ducks into the bathroom to hide while the AMAZON DENNIS slowwwwllllyyyly turns around and sees me behind him with a shit-eating grin on my face. Now, of course, I had nothing to do with the alleged tugging of his hood - but when a very drunk Pat was asked by KING KONG if he "wanted to go outside and settle things," I looked wayyyyy up at him and said "Well, yes! Yes I do...."
Clearly wasted and about to meet a certain demise, I catch Bernie out of the corner of my eye who now has a cop in a headlock and is punching him violently. Okay - drunk or not - I saw this as something the public would frown upon (not to mention the GAGGLE of drunk cops who were in the room after a softball game).
I quickly ducked from SASQUATCH DENNIS and tried to pry Bernie off of Mr. Policeman. No such luck. Little did I know that Bernie's friend Adam was now on the floor getting his ass KICKED!
After we were all ejected, a very angry Adam picked me up and threw me into a pile of snow IN TRAFFIC while I tried to drunkenly explain to the police that Brian started it all. "What Brian?" you ask? He was still cowering in the men's room - probably in need of a diaper change when the whole bar cleared out onto the sidewalk.
What does this have to do with the fish??? I asked myself the same thing a minute ago - but had fun typing up to this point regardless. Deal with it and be patient, fuckers!
I lived in an apartment on the 5th floor of a building in New Rochelle. After driving to the diner on two wheels, eating EVERYTHING that wasn't nailed down, we all went back to my place. Bernie, Terri, evil Brian and a very beat up Adam whose head was swollen bigger than a Mongoloid Kid in those "Save the Children" infomercials.
A drunken Terri nursed Adam (who she hated) back to health..... hmmm. Very curious except earlier that night someone fessed up that Adam was hung and suddenly Terri becomes Florence Nightingale. (I am on to you Terri)....
I decided that I needed to lighten the mood - so I grabbed a live fish from my fish tank..... I said, in my finest English accent "Ello Wanda" and ate the fish..... After a minute, I spit it out directly at Bernie claiming "It's not ripe yet...." He suggested I heat it up at which point I nuke it - stink up the entire apartment and proceed to drop the boiling bowl of steaming guppy right out of the 5th floor window into a small crowd gathering in the parking lot below.
Elena - hope that fish tank is doing well.....
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Flashback a few years to 1990 or so at "Over The Bridge" in Rye. I had given up booze for Lent or Arbor Day or some major holiday - but did not rule out getting COMPLETELY ZOOTED on some really good weed. Now, being about 400 pounds at the time, I was not very limber. BUT I THOUGHT I WAS..... Much to the surprise of the Collie who I squatted down to pet, lost my balance and fell RIGHT on the dog... Too fat and laughing too hard to get up, I just repeatedly proclaimed "I Killed Lassie!!!"
After dragging the dog to a nearby car tire (to make it look like an accident.....) I was back in the bar drinking like a fish despite the Lenten sacrifice. Two days later, I am taking a cab to work and the cabbie is looking at me in the rear view for the entire ride. I finally snap and say "Dude, What the Fuck?" at which point he apologizes and humbly asked "Aren't you that guy that fell on the dog at OTB?" Oi Vei....
Now for you PETA members, never you fear. Lassie was fine. Much to my shock, he appeared in the bar the next time I was there and I spit beer clear out of my nose thinking I'd seen a canine ghost....
So, there are my two pet stories to keep you entertained. I am thinking of a career change - maybe a vet or director of an animal shelter.....
10-4; Over and Out!
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