Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Swine is Fine but Whisky's Quicker.....

Ha Choooooo! Practically a death sentence.... Those of you that know me well, can only imagine the shit running through my head when I heard Pandemic! Arrrghhhh! My therapist will need to work overtime on this one.

Doom and Gloom are the flavor of the day.... Financial collapse, credit crunch, housing crisis and now the fucking PIG FLU! Now... being a pig myself, I am quite concerned. Swine runs in my genes...

The minute the news even HINTS at a crisis, I am convinced that I will be at the epicentre of all that is unholy. Hearken back to the days of Sky Lab in the late 70's... This satellite thingy was hurtling towards Earth... a very large planet made up of mostly water.... However, I was not only convinced it would hit Harrison, NY... it would crack me square in the skull and kill me instantly. Now, my Mother should have noticed the paranoia back then but NOOOOOOOO - she just let it blossom into the full blown insanity that is my life.

To put things into perspective.... The movie the Swarm - they were coming straight for me.

The birds..... them too. I still flinch every time I see one of those fucking flocks heading South and think they are attacking!

Exploding Pintos - yup that was my destiny.

Locusts...... need I go on?

On 9/11 I was convinced my one bedroom apartment on Post Place was the next Al Qaeda target - screw the Pentagon - I was ground zero!

So, Imagine the latest with the banks collapsing and the swines attacking... One person sneezed at the club the other night and I dove for cover nearly knocking down 3 old ladies and a blind nun with cancer...... CANCER! Now that's a fear for another day...

I am now bathing in Purell. Which is all for naught since the hotel I am staying at is a hot bed for disease complete with foot odor (not belonging to me)... It's a Marriott! WTF!

Now that the swine flu is subsiding, I will need to find new ways of torturing myself as I cannot be at peace for a second without having to find some other means of death and destruction that will CLEARLY be unleashed on me. Perhaps a meteor screaming towards Providence or just a general plague.... You choose.

So... I am in Albany. Scenic Albany.... I was nearly mugged at the Pick and Pay - but I arrived safely at the Marriott after a near incident at the Starbucks when Mr. Barista Man sneered at me and was rude! Does he not know that I speak Starbuckian? I asked for a toasted bagel and you would think I asked him to clean the toilets with his tongue. The look of disgust. I got even, of course, by unscrewing ALL of the milk carafe lids and the condiment shakers so the next person would create a disaster! HA! That'll learn him....

I am here for a bunch of meetings with Congressmen and women about calorie-posting legislation on menu boards in food service establishments. Apparently, I am representing not only my company but the movie theatre industry as a whole. Again - for those that know me, you may feel the need to combust in laughter right now - but do read on.....

Calories - let's see.... Send the guy who used to be 400+ pounds to talk about healthy eating.... Then - set up a bunch of meetings with politicians..... Yup, send me! The same guy who once dove into a frozen swimming pool just to make snow angels in Lake Placid. Diving board and all... Yeah, I AM THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE!

But, I will put on my greatest bullshit face (you know the one)... and I will once again be victorious! Then - a meteor will strike my car on the 4-hour drive home..... You see? Not stable.

I heard from an old friend today (Bob) who happens to live in Albany. He sent me a FB message seconds after I called Albany a shithole. Quite the ice breaker since I haven't seen or talked to him in 10+ years... In any event, it was fun to catch up. He was planning a night of drinking and I have to say I came within moments of saying "YES!!!! BRING ON THE BOOZE" but we all know how that would end..... a Meteor!

Flashback: Back In The Day.... I was drinking wildly at the Town House and Terri was going to drive me home. I remember saying "Terri - don't take the highway, I'm gonna puke" and puke I did! Every other block I landed in someone's front yard or in the bushes losing my lunch along with the quart of Tequila I had downed earlier that night. Her and Trish (yes, Evil Trish) were trying to pick me up out of the gutter. HA! Pick me up! Them and what army? After they finished laughing, they got me into the car and continued to my house. As I got out of the car and said "goodnight" (more like a grunt and a slur)... I started to walk. Then weave... Then run to try to catch up with my body that was falling forward. As I swerved wildly around the yard, Terri yelled from the car "Pat! Watch out for the oil pipe!" See, there was this oil pipe that stuck up in the front yard. Now, chances are I would have veered around it.... But because Terri's yelp seemed urgent, I quickly turned left and ran face first through my neighbors bushes, tumbling down a hill and landing on something white and small... (minds out of the gutter please)....

Terri and E.Trish came to my rescue once I cried out "Terri... Help Me!!!" When they arrived in the ravine, I was whining "I killed the kitty!" while petting the small, white thing I had landed on. "Terri! The poooor kitty!!!!' I cried out.... She kicked me and said "Pat, you ass! It's a lawn Leprechaun. Go to bed."

I would have - except I was now locked out of the house. Living on the first floor, I saw a window of opportunity... or just a window. I thought (not very clearly) that I would climb in the window and snuggle up in bed. I opened the window from the outside and CRASH! The air conditioner fell out of the window on my legs! Ouchee! Found it on the lawn the next day.

Looking for a "Plan B" I quickly (but not rationally) decided that I would just push the door down. 400+ pounds of running flesh - and CRASH - the door comes clean off of the hinges. Ahhh. I was home.

Again - probably best that I did not go out drinking with Bob.

Today is Tush's Birthday!!! Yay!

Well, I am off to dinner with the calorie people.... Funny - a meeting about health and combating obesity and the best plan they can conjure up is dinner???? Maybe racquetball would have been a more P.C. choice..... but who the fuck plays racquetball...?

Death to the Taliban! Peace!


  1. I cant believe that nobody has commented on these? I read all of them tonight on my crackberry at shitbucks. I think i spit iced green tea at a coworker. keep it up funny man this is my entertainment (its OK you can laugh at my expense) due to my lack of socializing because this country cant seem to get there shit together and we have to work ourselves to death just to get to work in the morning.

  2. HAHAHAHA...I'm sitting at my desk at work literally laughing outloud. I'm sure everyone is wondering why. But its been a crazy work week so I dont care. I remember the kitty story and I STILL LAUGHED! Thanks for the Bday shoutout. :-)

  3. i remember that well...hysterical....i never laughed so hard in my life...only you pat...trish(the evil one)