Explosion of Random

Let's start with Wynonna Judd, shall we? Who thought that putting this women in a diet commercial was a savvy marketing idea? First, no one has seen her for 10 years since her mother was dying for the 15th time. If we do not know just how fat she got, how do we know if the diet works? Who the hell would buy the food that made her look like this? I would avoid this diet at all costs and await her next TV appearance - suspended by cables and floating over the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. At least Valerie Bertinelli used to be hot.... Wynonna? Honestly.....

If people were even remotely interested in the Judds, they should just have that crazy mother sell the drugs she is taking to escape death from leprosy, lupus, lymphoma - what ever the hell else is ailing her.

I suspect the same marketing genius will cast Mickey Rourke in a moisturizing face cream commercial.

Now that I got that off my chest, we can move on..... Still there? Helloooooo?

I want to be a pole dancer!

There - I got you attention. Let's continue.....

Two questions - are Obama's ears getting bigger and wasn't that mole on the other side last week? Holy Moleeeee....

So, about 20 people got axed at work this week. Not me - I still get to continue my career in buttery topping. The whole layoff process was tactful and very well thought out . Nearly half the people took a voluntary layoff - some with 25 - 30 years of service. So, with the severance they made out pretty well. They had weeks to say good bye and pack up their shit. The other half (I refer to them as the reaper victims) were unsuspecting fools. So imagine as these two groups collide in the lobby on the way out. The "volunteers" were practically dancing in the streets having escaped with a pocket full of cash while "the others" weepingly dragged their half-dead office plants and family photos in trash bags to their car despite their bum leg or advanced pregnancy. NICE! Who knew dysfunction had an actual street address.

So... relieved that I wasn't one of the casualties, I decided to celebrate by prank calling people on the drive home. FUN! There is nothing like calling a random stranger saying "I am so sorry, but there's been a terrible accident" and then simulating bad cell reception and disconnecting. It felt good to smile after such a stressful day. Everyone needs a feel-good moment.

Today is my grandmothers birthday. I think she is like 1000 - but she's a cool old broad. Some of you may know her as Nan... (Everyone loves Nan!!!) I tried to call her to wish her a happy b-day but she was working. She's like 84 - and she works like every day of the week. Yet my mother (some of you may know her as "the goiter") is too old and tired to leave the house. Go figure..... We all know where me and Billy get our work ethic from. So, to keep Mom occupied while she sits at home, I call her.... "there's been a terrible accident".... click.....

I think they should make a soup that has pizza bits and red M & M's - but that's just me.

Well, I hope that I have kept you mildly entertained. Me? I just finished my dinner of Cheerios and Red Bull and plan on rounding out this fine spring evening - rubbing one out to the Wynonna commercial on YouTube. Ewwwwww...

- Chip, Chip Cheerio!

The Fish, The Microwave, The Dog and a Cab Ride!

Most of my best stories begin with "I was sooooo drunk last night..." and this one will be no different.

Picture it - Karaoke Night at Players in Mamaroneck. 3 Drunks - a room full of cops and a lonely fish awaiting it's demise later that evening....

It all starts at Arizona Flatz - a cool little bar that was a BIG step up from the other local dive. I used to escape from one bar to go "hoe-ing" at the neighborhood watering hole. I would round up a few of the local barflys and pile them into my car for a quick swerve down the road for a quart of Cosmos and shots of Blackhaus.... mmmm. Blackhaus!

This night, in particular, I was looking to escape and headed to Players for Karaoke with some guy (cant remember his name) that sang country songs (IN NY WHICH IS REALLY FUNNY).... I think it was Dave but its all a blur...

We got to drinking when Bernie and Adam show up. We are whooping it up and some TOOL named Brian started a fight with some 9 foot gorilla names Dennis. This guy could swat me like a fly. Brian pulls the guy's jacket hood and ducks into the bathroom to hide while the AMAZON DENNIS slowwwwllllyyyly turns around and sees me behind him with a shit-eating grin on my face. Now, of course, I had nothing to do with the alleged tugging of his hood - but when a very drunk Pat was asked by KING KONG if he "wanted to go outside and settle things," I looked wayyyyy up at him and said "Well, yes! Yes I do...."

Clearly wasted and about to meet a certain demise, I catch Bernie out of the corner of my eye who now has a cop in a headlock and is punching him violently. Okay - drunk or not - I saw this as something the public would frown upon (not to mention the GAGGLE of drunk cops who were in the room after a softball game).

I quickly ducked from SASQUATCH DENNIS and tried to pry Bernie off of Mr. Policeman. No such luck. Little did I know that Bernie's friend Adam was now on the floor getting his ass KICKED!

After we were all ejected, a very angry Adam picked me up and threw me into a pile of snow IN TRAFFIC while I tried to drunkenly explain to the police that Brian started it all. "What Brian?" you ask? He was still cowering in the men's room - probably in need of a diaper change when the whole bar cleared out onto the sidewalk.

What does this have to do with the fish??? I asked myself the same thing a minute ago - but had fun typing up to this point regardless. Deal with it and be patient, fuckers!

I lived in an apartment on the 5th floor of a building in New Rochelle. After driving to the diner on two wheels, eating EVERYTHING that wasn't nailed down, we all went back to my place. Bernie, Terri, evil Brian and a very beat up Adam whose head was swollen bigger than a Mongoloid Kid in those "Save the Children" infomercials.

A drunken Terri nursed Adam (who she hated) back to health..... hmmm. Very curious except earlier that night someone fessed up that Adam was hung and suddenly Terri becomes Florence Nightingale. (I am on to you Terri)....

I decided that I needed to lighten the mood - so I grabbed a live fish from my fish tank..... I said, in my finest English accent "Ello Wanda" and ate the fish..... After a minute, I spit it out directly at Bernie claiming "It's not ripe yet...." He suggested I heat it up at which point I nuke it - stink up the entire apartment and proceed to drop the boiling bowl of steaming guppy right out of the 5th floor window into a small crowd gathering in the parking lot below.

Elena - hope that fish tank is doing well.....

_________________________________________________________

Flashback a few years to 1990 or so at "Over The Bridge" in Rye. I had given up booze for Lent or Arbor Day or some major holiday - but did not rule out getting COMPLETELY ZOOTED on some really good weed. Now, being about 400 pounds at the time, I was not very limber. BUT I THOUGHT I WAS..... Much to the surprise of the Collie who I squatted down to pet, lost my balance and fell RIGHT on the dog... Too fat and laughing too hard to get up, I just repeatedly proclaimed "I Killed Lassie!!!"

After dragging the dog to a nearby car tire (to make it look like an accident.....) I was back in the bar drinking like a fish despite the Lenten sacrifice. Two days later, I am taking a cab to work and the cabbie is looking at me in the rear view for the entire ride. I finally snap and say "Dude, What the Fuck?" at which point he apologizes and humbly asked "Aren't you that guy that fell on the dog at OTB?" Oi Vei....

Now for you PETA members, never you fear. Lassie was fine. Much to my shock, he appeared in the bar the next time I was there and I spit beer clear out of my nose thinking I'd seen a canine ghost....

So, there are my two pet stories to keep you entertained. I am thinking of a career change - maybe a vet or director of an animal shelter.....


10-4; Over and Out!

Another Day, Another Dollar.....

I am somewhat thankful for not being fired today. I mean, honestly, what would I do if I didn't have to work tomorrow? Perhaps a career as a GQ model (in the Braille edition, of course)...

They could NEVER get rid of me... After all, what would Popcorn be without the PatMan? I AM CORN!!!!!!!!! That didn't quite have the same impact I imagined once I screamed it out loud.

Regardless... another day, another dollar. I am looking forward to the weekend. Friday and Saturday night at the Comedy Club in Warwick is always good for a "pick me up." It will make me forget that my house is worth about as much as a pack of gum and that my 401-k is now a 101-k.

Makes me long for the days that I recklessly spent every dollar I made on booze and whores! Just kidding - it was every other dollar. I just had a total flashback to Sue's Rendezvous in Mount Vernon listening to Samantha Fox and rolling up dollar bills if you know what I mean. Ahhh... the 80's were fun. Wish I had the slightest clue what the 90's were all about - but I was completely wasted for much of them. I hear they were fun. Anyone care to share a story?

I just had this horrible vision of getting canned and having to move in with my Mother. Now, for those of you that have met her (or seen her photo on the Quaker Oats box) - you will agree that chewing broken glass would be a more pleasurable experience. I'd sooner live in a shoe!

On a completely random note, I encountered a total HOTTIE in the office today but failed to make a good impression when I tripped up the stairs flinging my piping hot Starbucks at innocent bystanders. I do know how to make an "grande" entrance - but burn cream is a bit over the top - even for me. Sorry all!

It's incidents like this one that makes it very clear why I do not get laid! I need to carry Personal Injury Insurance.


..................... Excuse me............................ (I just ripped one and felt it necessary to be polite.)

That's all from me...... Seacrest Out!

And so it begins.......

Welcome to my blog! I promise this to be an complete departure from the intelligent and entertaining... Kind of like TMZ.com just without the interesting celebrities, paparazzi or scandalous gossip... Just some random rants about the goings on in my tiny little world.

If you are still reading, clearly you have gone catatonic or you are a very loyal family member (or a catatonic family member which does not narrow it down much). Either way - that's cool by me.

I have encountered some old friends on Facebook recently and when I requested that they "friend" me, I was pleasantly surprised that they did not recoil in horror and slap down the lid of their laptop while reporting me to the administrator. Phew!

Once I overcame that hurdle, I thought.... Hey! Maybe they are genuinely interested in what I have been doing for the past decade or two...

Some have asked what I do for a living, where I live, who I am banging... (okay - not one person asked that which completely offends me. I am not A-Sexual, people!) So I figured I could share the good, the bad and the wretchedly ugly with anyone who cares to click and read.

So.... here goes..........

Some may recall a young and very rotund kid ripping tickets at the local movie theatre in Harrison, New York. As if Kathie Lee Gifford were the Czar of childhood labor, I was working at 11 years old... I am happy to report that 30 years later, I still work at the fucking movie theatre. Okay - not exactly - so let me explain...

I am the Director of Concessions for a major movie theatre company. So - technically I have moved on from little chubby usher to Head Popcorn Boy; a leap that would make any parent proud.... unless, of course, you were blessed with my parents in which case they'd continually ask "when are you going to find a real job, Patrick me-boy..." Okay they do not say "me-boy" but you get the gist.

Since the days at the Harrison Cinema my life has taken a few twists and turns. Thankfully, I always had the popcorn as my rock! (insert photo of dramatic moment, hand on forehead, clutching the pearls)....

I live near Providence, RI (blink and you'll miss it) and work outside of Boston. I bought a house on a whim in 2005 at the HEIGHT of the real estate bubble and paid lots for a very modest house that by my estimation is now worth about $22. But I digress. I really did buy it on a whim - taking a day off from my job in NY and getting in the car with the mission of finding an affordable place to live. As I screeched past the NY border and blew through Connecticut, I stumbled upon an uncharted, far away land known as PROVIDENCE! Ooooohhh, Providence. Sounds like a magical land, don't it? I thought so too - so I bought a house, changed jobs and moved all in a 30 day window. Now for those of you who have known me for a while - you are not likely surprised by this.

A few things have happened - good and bad.... Good things first.... McDonald's added a double cheeseburger to the $1 menu.... How cool is that?..... Now the bad things.... They changed the double cheeseburger to only ONE SLICE OF CHEESE to save costs! WTF!

All kidding aside......

ONE SLICE OF CHEESE? REALLY?

Well, that wraps up the good and bad for the past 20+ years. 700 Martinis later, yada, yada, yada and here I am.... Pretty uneventful. Oh, other than landing a pretty decent job, buying a house and losing a few hundred pounds. No thanks to that damn cheese.

So... no longer am I that cute little fat kid selling Goobers. I am now the middle-aged guy selling Goobers. And they say people can't change....

So, that's the quick up-to-now.... stop snoring and scroll down dammit.




For those of you that have not yet gouged out your eyes or stabbed your eardrums out with a pencil, chances are you'll be back.... That's good news too. With any luck, I'll have some mildly entertaining and rambling rants that will help answer that age-old question....

Is Micalizzi INSANE? More to come. Thanks for playing.

http://micalizzi-isms.blogspot.com