For years to come, I will remember the exact place I was when I heard the news. It will be forever etched in my memory much like our parents recall where they were when JFK was shot or John Lennon was gunned down in Central Park. Yes, for me, this will be the life-altering "event" for which I will eternally recall the exact place I stood when tragedy bestowed me and the rest of the world. A true moment in history filled with sadness, despair and angst that will live on for the ages.
I am speaking, of course, of the day that Whole Foods ran out of those delicious Fruit and Yogurt Parfaits before 5pm!
It was like any other ordinary day. A light rain, a cool breeze, a mediocre and COMPLETELY uneventful afternoon at the office. A memo, a phone call or two and a few random emails. Little did I know the suffering that would soon unfold on society and the world - all at the hands of a madman, the Prepared Foods Manager. "He was such a quiet Man" says a saddened customer as, in retrospect, they pondered what may have caused such a kind man to perpetrate such a heinous injustice. Some have speculated that an acute lactose intolerance and a raging nut allergy may have caused the seemingly professional man to snap. TMZ.com is reporting that an exotic strain of Mad Cow Disease comined with an addiction to laxatives may also be to blame. But we may never know.
It all began in 2007................
The Fruit and Yogurt Parfait and its Mediterranean counterpart, the Greek Yogurt Fruit Pot were long time companions - but living in separate refrigerated cases at America's Organic Headquarters, Whole Foods. Early in life, the Greek Yogurt was the favorite. Always snapped up in the produce aisle LONG before eager shoppers even stumbled upon the Fruit & Yogurt Parfait nestled way in the rear of the store - ill-placed between the Tandoori Chicken Bites and the Tofu Potstickers.
As the years went by, the Fruit and Yogurt Parfait was a bit of a transient, making its way from the prepared food section, to the Gelato case to a barrel full of ice in front of the pizza counter. It was not until the Dessert Station was born that the Fruit & Yogurt Parfait blossomed into the highly coveted lactose-filled treat adored by fans young and old. A tasty mix of granola, seasonal berries and exotic fruits, rich custard-like yogurt and ripe thinly-sliced strawberries for garnish..... It was a culinary masterpiece.
The true "Dairy Queen," this little nibble provided such happiness to so many. It was love in a cup. But its popularity came at a price [insert dramatic VH1 "Behind The Music" soundtrack here].
The Greek Yogurt Pot was lost. The once adored favorite of so many was quickly becoming yesterday's news. The proverbial Billy Ray Cyrus of all desserts. Greeky (I called it Greeky) was now an orphan in a big city, a ship without a rudder, never finding it's home - a defeated sense of purpose and rapidly diminishing feeling of self worth.
A true American tragedy.... yet in Greek.
It seemed to be smooth sailing for the Fruit & Yogurt Parfait - Super stardom had taken hold. Now dwarfing the success of that "other" Yogurt snack. The fanfare was endless, the popularity at its peak. It was just then, at the height of the euphoria and cult-like success that it all just fell apart.
I recall that fateful moment when I rounded the corner past the Handmade Gluten-free Pizza Shells and Honey Bees Wax Lip Balm display that the news rang out - Much like that time I put a stethoscope up to church bells at noon on Christmas Day - it sheered through my very soul like a hot dagger through a stick of butter. The case was bare. The yogurt was gone. A piece of me had died.
Customers were agasp and there was a common look of horror I haven't seen since the Jerry Springer Sex Tape was leaked to the media. Some cried. Others smiled and recounted the good times with the luscious parfait. Some consoled others and offered a hug to a stranger. Most just copped a feel. There were a few that just greedily ran to the produce aisle looking to snap up the once renowned, now outcast Greek Yogurt - a bit fair-weathered, I know but that's because they are cold, selfish, unfeeling yogurt whores. Dirty, dirty whores.... I nearly slipped during that mad sprint across the store on a wet leaf of organic lettuce from Paraguay - but let's not lose focus here.....
The sadness and utter heartbreak is something that will stay with me until my dying day. In fact, I am finding it hard to go on. But with each passing day, my pain will heal and society will return to a sense of normalcy. It is my hope that the world remember the Fruit & Yogurt Parfait with love and kindness and not be tempted to let its legacy fade by the seductive allure of a new 4000 calorie 40 gram of fat little heart attack with a dome lid.
I will miss you dearly my Fruit & Yogurt Parfait (which is manufactured in a facility that produces nuts, pine nuts and may contain soy, egg and pieces of shells)
You will always have a place in my heart....
Oh, and by the way... Michael and Farrah are dead.